Mindless Eating

Mindless eating is getting the best of me. I am smart, intelligent, bright. I love exercise. I have a strong work ethic. I've spent most of my life in one driven situation or another. Corporate America, education, art, the kitchen.

Maybe it's what I don't have that's driven me toward raw cashews, popcorn, ice cream, peanut butter . . . all, when I'm not doing what I think I should be doing. Maybe I don't know how to relax, maybe that's the problem. Maybe I feel I should always be busy. Downtime has no place in my beautifully, well-ordered life without kids, without friends, well, that's not true. I do have friends, but not friends that I feel I would call on in a pinch. I don't really like pinches and have spent all these years preparing myself not to have any. Is there any pinch that can be controlled, other than paying the rent, bills? I mean, certainly not health, if I'm going to walk out the door and get hit by a car or fall prey to a vicious, ravenous cell eating cancer there's nothing I can do about that. Right? And, who should I bother to sit by my bed? Yes, I would sit by someone's bed. I love the elderly, always have. It doesn't really matter that I've got one foot in the grave myself at this point. I still need to understand this stuff.

It all depends on my attitude, right? Determined intent, praying boldly as Pastor Osteen would preach or Xerox-Positive as in deny everything in favor of a postive charge on a cloned piece of Sunshine. Well, I do all that. I'm so positive that when I sit down in front of Law and Order, I positively eat all that Edy's Drumstick ice cream after I temper it in the microwave and find that it has dripped on my t-shirt as I savor tiny spoonfuls. I do everything in tiny amounts. I eat Raw cashews one at a time, chew the one until there is nothing left, after I bite into it in more places than anyone could ever imagine, then swallow the sweetness before I engage in the next.

Peanut butter isn't quite so lucky. Anything could happen. I might find a cookie, not a chocolate chip one because, now, chocolate gives me heartburn, especially at night. Doesn't have to be really late night. I just have to be sitting on the blue couch and thinking of twilight. So, it's probably a peanut butter cookie, but they never have enough peanut butter in them, so I add peanut butter, the creamy kind. Of course, this is Organic Peanut butter. I learned the difference between natural and organic a long time ago. Sometimes I think what a waste of money since I hate myself for this mindless eating.

Sometimes I envision what a beautiful body I'd have if I caught this monster and strangled him. It's probably a her, a him wouldn't be this thoughtful, wouldn't give such attention to this type of detail. Either way, whether it's a he or a she, it feels like death. Any suggestions to help cure me of this syndrome?